vulnerability pt 1... college.

hello everyone.

For those of you who don't know, I'm Kayla, 20 years old, and I am wrapping up my first semester of sophomore year and figured I would write some jazz. Finals are about a week away and the stress / anxiety is in full swing, so I am using this as an escape.

If you get something out of this post / can relate, then that's great, but if not that's okay too and I hope you at least learned something.

Okay so I'm going to tell you what we are gonna do, be vulnerable. Literally my worst nightmare. Growing up, I have always been the tough kid of the group, never show feelings, never cry when you fall, try and fit in with the boys. I highly dislike talking about my feelings / emotions because 1. they make me cringe and 2. I've grown up with the mindset that no one cares.

My mind was set on: "don't let your feelings get in the way of others. Be the bigger person. Stand out."

So there's some background knowledge of my life, and now let's dive in, shall we?

---

I am attempting something new here and being open and raw with scattered thoughts, so bare with me.

College.

Man, what a weird concept.

You love it. But you hate it.

You're surrounded by people. But lonely.

You're broke and can't buy food. But have gained 15 pounds.

You have free time. But not enough free time because #procrastination.

Youre fulfilled, but broken.

If you are like me, high school wasn't necessarily a breeze, but achieving straight A's wasn't very hard and often times assumed that that's how my report card would look. I was deemed the smart kid of the family (sorry brad but you had sports), and while this is an "honor" to have, the weight gets heavy and critics start coming: both outwardly and inwardly. Over the past 2 years, I have become my own worst enemy. I bet if some one were to tell me the things I tell myself, I would break down in tears, instantly. I get worked up over the littlest things and find my self in a constant mind of "Keeping up with (Kardashians) Those Around Me."

I often times feel like I am putting the all the right ingredients in the pot- doing, all the right things: studying, praying, loving others etc... but I "see no results" the cake comes out mushy and flat. Then I get flustered and basically hate myself.

Comparison is HUGE in college. For some one who wants to do something with social media later in life, I really do wish it did not exist. Instagram sucks y'all. It truly messes with my mind. I see these girls... girls that literally sit 2 rows from me in class... they are all Happy-Go-Lucky on social media. They seem to have that Body, have that Boy, have Those Friends,,,just have it all together.

What on earth could you and I be doing wrong?????

Freshman year was a nut job of a year. I thought I knew what I was doing, who I was hanging out with, and what God had in store for me. I was living a double life. Filling myself up with the typical college life ingredients and filling voids with earthly satisfactions. I had one foot in the bath tub (going to church on sunday and attending bible study on tuesday...) and the other foot outside (going out WTFS of the week, constantly regretting those decisions and surrounding myself with people that did not view the same God that I desired to know more about).

The key difference between last year and this year is my deep desire for more. I wanted a relationship with Jesus, not just a "fire insurance faith." I wanted to surround myself with people who cared about me,,, like actually cared about my heart and keeping me accountable of my spiritual goals.

I have learned more about God and who He made me to be this semester than I have all high school and freshman year combined.

Life still sucks 90% of the time, but God remains faithful.

My old desires still creep in everyday. I often times get angry because I was doing so much better last year in school,,, like this year I have studied so much more, have spent so much more time with Jesus but I end up short. It wasn't until very recently that a wise pal named Kathryn (hey) mentioned that she doesn't let school consume her life and create anxiety within. Hearing this was shocking and uplifting because 98% of college students will just tell you that they relate and you think that it is "normal" to feel this way. She said that as long as she put in the effort and used her time wisely then God does the rest- no matter how poorly she does, she is left with a peaceful heart knowing that she did everything she could. I was relieved to hear this.

Fomo lives very true in my life this year, but I promised myself and Jesus that this year is the step that needs to happen in order for change. It wasn't an overnight realization; it took all summer for God to work in and through my heart. This summer I spent most days alone because lots of hometown friends moved away and my parents were working. Now, I am not going to lie, I am for sure a home body,,, I don't mind being alone and I kinda prefer it. So, it was through those alone slow mornings that I began new habits that changed my perspective.

Now this semester has been tough because everyone basically has their friend group formed (I absolutely love my AXO friend group and so glad I have them, but I knew starting this year that I also needed a "community" of people that will push me towards my faith). With that being said, I had no clue where to begin... I still regularly attended my church and was the outsider that saw the cool church hipsters hangout (you know those people that you KNOW that you would fit in but you are afraid to say anything) that was me. Stuck in a rut. I was confused because all summer I was praying for a new and welcoming community starting my sophomore year.

Here I am, at the very end of the semester, still have not found "THAT group" but it's getting better. My community group leader, Nicole (ily), has helped mentor a confidence within me to get out of my comfort zone. I have a super great spiritual friend, Courtney, who I can count on as a my accountability partner. The feelings of jealousy and comparison are definitely still there (even on Sundays at church), but God is breaking my heart- He's telling me that the faith I seek can not be found in those around me, but in Him a lone, so why am I seeking people over Him???? It's a battle, but Jesus already won the war, so I give myself to Him. Each day I take off the heavy armor of steel that is weighing me down because I attempt to take on the daily battle by myself and I reside in the King of Kings.

Don't give up y'all.

Jesus fights for you.

Failure doesn't define you // you are perfectly defined in Jesus.

College is hard.

thank you for reading this. I am sorry if it is all over the place. If you enjoyed, please don't hesitate to share with your friends, ilysm bye for now.

---

#college #jesus #christianity #god #collegeishard #life #anxiety #blog #collegeblog #faith #faithfullness #trusting