vulnerability pt 1... college.

hello everyone.

For those of you who don't know, I'm Kayla, 20 years old, and I am wrapping up my first semester of sophomore year and figured I would write some jazz. Finals are about a week away and the stress / anxiety is in full swing, so I am using this as an escape.

If you get something out of this post / can relate, then that's great, but if not that's okay too and I hope you at least learned something.

Okay so I'm going to tell you what we are gonna do, be vulnerable. Literally my worst nightmare. Growing up, I have always been the tough kid of the group, never show feelings, never cry when you fall, try and fit in with the boys. I highly dislike talking about my feelings / emotions because 1. they make me cringe and 2. I've grown up with the mindset that no one cares.

My mind was set on: "don't let your feelings get in the way of others. Be the bigger person. Stand out."

So there's some background knowledge of my life, and now let's dive in, shall we?

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I am attempting something new here and being open and raw with scattered thoughts, so bare with me.

College.

Man, what a weird concept.

You love it. But you hate it.

You're surrounded by people. But lonely.

You're broke and can't buy food. But have gained 15 pounds.

You have free time. But not enough free time because #procrastination.

Youre fulfilled, but broken.

If you are like me, high school wasn't necessarily a breeze, but achieving straight A's wasn't very hard and often times assumed that that's how my report card would look. I was deemed the smart kid of the family (sorry brad but you had sports), and while this is an "honor" to have, the weight gets heavy and critics start coming: both outwardly and inwardly. Over the past 2 years, I have become my own worst enemy. I bet if some one were to tell me the things I tell myself, I would break down in tears, instantly. I get worked up over the littlest things and find my self in a constant mind of "Keeping up with (Kardashians) Those Around Me."

I often times feel like I am putting the all the right ingredients in the pot- doing, all the right things: studying, praying, loving others etc... but I "see no results" the cake comes out mushy and flat. Then I get flustered and basically hate myself.

Comparison is HUGE in college. For some one who wants to do something with social media later in life, I really do wish it did not exist. Instagram sucks y'all. It truly messes with my mind. I see these girls... girls that literally sit 2 rows from me in class... they are all Happy-Go-Lucky on social media. They seem to have that Body, have that Boy, have Those Friends,,,just have it all together.

What on earth could you and I be doing wrong?????

Freshman year was a nut job of a year. I thought I knew what I was doing, who I was hanging out with, and what God had in store for me. I was living a double life. Filling myself up with the typical college life ingredients and filling voids with earthly satisfactions. I had one foot in the bath tub (going to church on sunday and attending bible study on tuesday...) and the other foot outside (going out WTFS of the week, constantly regretting those decisions and surrounding myself with people that did not view the same God that I desired to know more about).

The key difference between last year and this year is my deep desire for more. I wanted a relationship with Jesus, not just a "fire insurance faith." I wanted to surround myself with people who cared about me,,, like actually cared about my heart and keeping me accountable of my spiritual goals.

I have learned more about God and who He made me to be this semester than I have all high school and freshman year combined.

Life still sucks 90% of the time, but God remains faithful.

My old desires still creep in everyday. I often times get angry because I was doing so much better last year in school,,, like this year I have studied so much more, have spent so much more time with Jesus but I end up short. It wasn't until very recently that a wise pal named Kathryn (hey) mentioned that she doesn't let school consume her life and create anxiety within. Hearing this was shocking and uplifting because 98% of college students will just tell you that they relate and you think that it is "normal" to feel this way. She said that as long as she put in the effort and used her time wisely then God does the rest- no matter how poorly she does, she is left with a peaceful heart knowing that she did everything she could. I was relieved to hear this.

Fomo lives very true in my life this year, but I promised myself and Jesus that this year is the step that needs to happen in order for change. It wasn't an overnight realization; it took all summer for God to work in and through my heart. This summer I spent most days alone because lots of hometown friends moved away and my parents were working. Now, I am not going to lie, I am for sure a home body,,, I don't mind being alone and I kinda prefer it. So, it was through those alone slow mornings that I began new habits that changed my perspective.

Now this semester has been tough because everyone basically has their friend group formed (I absolutely love my AXO friend group and so glad I have them, but I knew starting this year that I also needed a "community" of people that will push me towards my faith). With that being said, I had no clue where to begin... I still regularly attended my church and was the outsider that saw the cool church hipsters hangout (you know those people that you KNOW that you would fit in but you are afraid to say anything) that was me. Stuck in a rut. I was confused because all summer I was praying for a new and welcoming community starting my sophomore year.

Here I am, at the very end of the semester, still have not found "THAT group" but it's getting better. My community group leader, Nicole (ily), has helped mentor a confidence within me to get out of my comfort zone. I have a super great spiritual friend, Courtney, who I can count on as a my accountability partner. The feelings of jealousy and comparison are definitely still there (even on Sundays at church), but God is breaking my heart- He's telling me that the faith I seek can not be found in those around me, but in Him a lone, so why am I seeking people over Him???? It's a battle, but Jesus already won the war, so I give myself to Him. Each day I take off the heavy armor of steel that is weighing me down because I attempt to take on the daily battle by myself and I reside in the King of Kings.

Don't give up y'all.

Jesus fights for you.

Failure doesn't define you // you are perfectly defined in Jesus.

College is hard.

thank you for reading this. I am sorry if it is all over the place. If you enjoyed, please don't hesitate to share with your friends, ilysm bye for now.

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#college #jesus #christianity #god #collegeishard #life #anxiety #blog #collegeblog #faith #faithfullness #trusting

My Top 10 Photography Tips

HEY CRAZY HUMANS!

So this post is going to be a little different, and I may continue this as a series if I get some good feed back from it.

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Let's start off with some background history: I began truly loving photography when I got my first nice camera (I still use the same camera) in 8th grade. At the time I had to pay for half of it, so it took me many months of saving and working around the house, but I knew it would be worth it. Here I am years later hoping to create this talent God gave me into a career or even a side career. I was given a passion so why would I ever do something I hate for the rest of my life when I could be living my ~best life~ doing what I am good at / love doing???

I know that some people do not have the "eye" for photography / artsy stuff , so I am here to help. Everything I know about photography was self taught or from watching people. I hope these tips help you and maybe even boost your #insta game :-)

Tip #1- Let's start off with iPhone users. You can create amazing photographs with just that little device in your pocket. My first tip is to take images semi-over-exposed because you can easily fix this by taking down the exposer in the editing process PLUS you won't lose quality in the image (when images are under exposed and you try and brighten them later, they become grainy and bleh).

Tip #2- If you are trying to build a following on whatever platform you are on, be consistent. I know I do not have a million followers, but this has been proven by many many insta famous users. Whether consistency means posting (not a ton) a good amount or maybe it means a keeping similar look across your pictures. People like looking at a page and thinking "this looks welcoming and aesthetically pleasing." Maybe your pictures all don't have a filter, but they are all bright and clean (this would be good). Maybe all your pictures have a hint of blue in them (I did this last summer and it was a hit). Or maybe your pictures are all landscape, from you traveling. Whatever it is, pick something and keep doing it. Here are some people that I follow on Instagram that do a good job (in my opinion)-

Tip #3- Now you may be wondering how do I create a cool theme??? Pinterest. Before I started using Lightroom, I lived for #VSCOcam. I would search "instagram themes" in the Pinterest search bar and scroll for hours looking for stuff that I liked. The cool part is, when you do this, it tells you how to edit the pictures. Try them out for yourself because sometimes your image does not look anything like their edit- a sad moment, but find a new one. Takes time, but it'll become fun I promise.

Tip #4- You have a photo that is exposed perfectly in some spots but in others it is too dark OR your theme requires a lot of white and you have yellow spots in your images. An app that I used to use a lot was Snapseed! This app, under the "Brush tools" allows you to do a bunch of editing techniques that are super similar to Lightroom's. Take the "saturation" brush and desaturate the walls or sky or whatever to keep that grunge clean effect. Or use the "exposer" brush to brighten up the background. Whatever it is, this app allows you to create the perfect image. I would suggest first putting your image into Snapseed then moving it to VSCO or whatever.

Tip #5- Now let's say you just bought a pretty nice camera, but need some help, I gotchu. I first suggest in buying a lens. Most of the time it comes with a kit lens and N.G.L those kinda suck. Save $100 and buy the 50mm 1.8. This was my first lens I bought, and it is what boosted my pictures from bleh to hey this looks like it was taken on a camera not an iPhone.

Tip #6- How do you create that blurry background???? That my friend is called bokeh and I think it's the prettiest thing for portrait images. So I would suggest you learn the settings of your camera like the back of your hand. If you have invested in that 50mm 1.8 lens, for example, then that means your aperture can go all the way down to 1.8. Basically the lower the number, the more light it can let in and the blurrier the background. While having a pretty blurry background, then this means you now need to really focus on your subject or object- the slightest miss-focus of the image would be a lot more noticeable with apertures likes 1.2, 1.4 or even 2.8.

Tip #7- How do I keep my subject in focus even though I want my subject to be off center in the picture and have the landscape above or more to the side??? Confused by this question? This is what I mean-

notice how he is to the left and majority of the image is the blurry background? Okay, so basically what you are going to do is point your camera directly at the subject. Press half way down, hold that half press pose and then move your camera back to the right or left / up or down, then fully click down. By doing this, you are locking the focus of the camera so that it won't focus on anything else. This may take a few tries to master, but it's one of my favorite things to do for images.

Tip #8- Shoot towards the light. Weird right? Like all your life you hear your mother saying "stand this way so the sunlight is beaming into your face!!!" Wow thank you, mom, now I am squinting and can't see. That's exactly what we do not want. Shoot during golden hour, and have the camera pointed to the sun, fix your settings, and now you have a nice glowy image with lens flares and everything. Here is an example of a shoot I did with my friend-

Tip #9- Always be looking for places to take a picture. Whenever I am driving, my head is constantly on a swivel for places that would be unique to capture an image. After I see a cool place, I take note where it was so I can come back whenever I need to. Since I do not live in a very "picture ready" place aka no pretty landscape, I have to search extra hard, but it pays off trust me. If you are serious about your pictures then you'll put in the extra effort for them. Using those same images from above^^^ these look like they could have been taken in the midwest in a field with mountains blurred in the background. Well, they were actually taken on a construction site, next to a high way, in front of SamsClub LoL. See, always on a swivel.

Tip #10- Posing. Whether this tip is for you or you're going to give some advice to your pals, learn some good poses. Everyone has different angles that work for them, so not every pose is going to flattering, but that's okay. The main thing you want to avoid is looking stiff. Get loose and be comfortable in front of the camera. Who cares if everyone is watching you take a picture. Feel free is get "action shots." A lot of famous social media people will do this "one two rocker" motion with their feet to achieve a natural walking picture. Play with your hair, touch your collar, spin a circle. All great natural movements that grab the viewers attention. Another great tip is to have a prop to help with your pose. Sometimes my hands freeze in front of the camera and I turn into Ricky Bobby "I don't know what to do with my hands"- I would suggest maybe grabbing a cute cup or sunglasses whatever makes you feel less awkward the better because trust me, I can tell when someone felt awkward taking a picture just from their body language.

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YAY!! Photography Series #1 complete. I hope y'all enjoyed reading this and maybe learned a tip or two. I have so much I could say so I will just save it for another time. Let me know if you have any questions- my instagram is kay.hort- let's be friends.

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#blog #photography #tips #camera #instagramtips #photohacks #editing #travel #lifestyle