Clenched Fists to Open Palms.

I've been waiting to do this for so long.

But I've been scared and discouraged.

So here I am.

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I do not know what I am going to be writing about, but I know there is someone out there that needs to hear this.

2018 was a great year for me. I mean no big issues happened. Friends were great. Traveled lots. Laughed a ton. I was doing pretty good.

I had such high hopes for 2019.

All that changed when some heart breaking family news hit me mid January. Filled with anger and confusion. I was, for a second, scared of the future instead of being excited for it. I did not know where this news would lead my family. What plans I would have to change. I also didn't know how to control my emotions. After many tears and many long runs, I gave up. I couldn't control this situation.

I asked myself what I was doing? How was this solving anything? All I was doing was tearing myself down and draining myself.

Fists clenched so tight. Breath held for so long.

I opened my palms. I took a breath. And I looked towards Heaven.

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The other week, the Holy Spirit spoke through Miles and the message was on thankfulness and clarity.

Declaring War on Inaction: Clarity http://www.auburncommunitychurch.com/sermonarchive

There are three words that really sum up my 2019 so far. Surrender, thankfulness, and clarity.

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I walked. I walked through the dark following the light. I walked. I walked through the storm because Jesus was there holding my hand encouraging me to keep going. It wasn't easy, but oh my goodness it was worth it. Why would my shepherd, my gate keeper, my Father give me something that I couldn't handle? He wouldn't, so I walked boldly.

A weight was lifted off my shoulders.

I dove deeper into prayer. I dove deeper into the Word. I dove deeper into community. Why? Because the enemy knew I was vulnerable so he would try and discourage me in any way possible. I needed to put on the Holy armor and fight. I surrounded myself with Him.

(A difference between offending people and having a painful wakeup call to action:)

Matthew 5:11-12 (NIV)... 11 “Blessed are you when people insult you, persecute you and falsely say all kinds of evil against you because of me. 12 Rejoice and be glad, because great is your reward in heaven, for in the same way they persecuted the prophets who were before you.

A little while after, I had to deal with people I surrounded myself with. People that made me laugh, but left me empty. We can only be filled through Christ Jesus, but the Lord can speak through people, encourage and uplift you to Him. I struggled each day with the Holy Spirit whispering in my ear to listen to the a call to action He was giving me. I didn't want to because I am a hard #7 and #9 aka the peace maker and adventurous personality. Well, it was like each day the Lord was throwing signs at me to follow His purpose. When I gave in, it happened: I found those people I used to love the most, confused and judging me. They couldn't understand why I was an "over achiever Christian." About a few weeks after this, Miles gave another sermon on "Friends" (listen here: https://open.spotify.com/episode/509QiiMT5z3VyrQYWCZvHm?si=veLiuVVCQjCSzt0RC3wvVQ)

and it spoke so much truth into why I needed to be doing what I was doing. I walked on. Each day was a weird battle.

You can't see the future, so focus on the here and now and guard your heart.

Instead of hating them, I lift my palms to Heaven, fall to my knees and fight for their hardened hearts. I pray that they will realize that this world offers nothing. The things they chase are cheap wine, but Jesus offers never ending amazing wine. He quenches our thirsty soul. I am no "over achiever Christian," but I am actually living out God's purpose for me. Why the heck would I wait...? "Oh I'll fix my life after college." We are not promised tomorrow. So I worship and praise the One who offers eternal life every single day.

I thank Him.

I thank Him for the trials. I thank Him for battles because I know it will all be worth it.

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I have finally reached the other side of this trial, and the beauty and grace the Lord provided through the storm is amazing. I didn't become numb to the pain, but I found peace through the pain:

Without what had happened, one of my family members would not have re-found Christ. Without the storm, I wouldn't have this new found confidence in Christ. Without the battle, I wouldn't have practiced forgiveness. Without the struggle, restoration within my family would not have occurred. Without the pain, I wouldn't have learned love, patience, and peace. Without discouragement, I wouldn't have found encouragement through community. Without brokenness, I wouldn't have been made whole in Christ. Without the judgment, I wouldn't have learned how to fight in prayer for what breaks God's heart. I could go on and on...

So I thank Him because He knows what He is doing. Walking with faith, peace, and hope.

So my question to you is simple. Are you afraid to let go of the world? Are you holding onto the "fire insurance faith?" God didn't send his one and only son to die so that we could only think about Him for an hour on Sundays. Your life has a purpose. Your life has so much more purpose than all this world has to offer. I promise you. I was there. I was half in half out. I couldn't wrap my head around how living a Christ driven life would be fun or be any different. But, surprisingly it's so much better than that. My task is for you to dig a little deeper. Dig a little deeper and see what He offers. Don't give up when life gets hard because so much good will come out of it. Cast your worries, doubts, and anxiety on God.

Praying for you.